Stone Age or Freedom?

I have been living now for 3 days with out my Iphone, I know that doesnt seem like a lot but if you truly know me then you know how big of a deal this is for me. When the Iphone 5 came out I was so excited with getting it ordered and getting it in my hands I couldnt wait, I was trying to figure out every way possible for me to sell my 4 and purchase the 5. But then things changed actually that DAY, I wont go in to details about what it was but I will say my eyes were opened up to the "what if's" in life. I realized in a matter of hours that at any point in my life I could be left with NOTHING!! All the things that I am addicted to now, the Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, laptop, cell phones etc they could all be gone due to different reasons. My main thought was look at all the things I have sitting around me, I have everything I need and I am constantly wanting more, not because I am greedy but because I am apart of society,I am a part of a world who is constantly wanting!! We are spending a lot of money each month just to keep up with people on facebook, twitter, and emails. When in reality I can just log onto my lap top and check it when I am sitting down instead of every second. I have felt freedom these last few days. I do not wake up and check facebook, I do not sit with my phone in hand and I do not search in desperation for my phone when I can not find it. I have talked to the kids more and set outside without being distracted and I have not worried about what everybody else was doing in the world. I still have the ability to text on my new phone but I do not have internet access on the phone so that is a plus. I encourage everyone to at least try to go a week without their Iphones and see if it allows you to feel free or isolated :) Good DAY!

Reliving the Past

September 5, 2012 One year ago this very day I had not a worry in the world. We had just gotten back from a great mini vacation and visited with my dad and sis. We got home got settled in for our back to work routine. I can remember it being so nice outside that we had all the doors and windows up so that we could feel the breeze blow through the house. A slight feelIng of fall, which made me excited! We had a roast cooking in the oven with carrots and potatoes. I can still smell it!!! Football was playing on the tv of course it was just preseason games but it made me happy non the less! Then we got the call! A phone call that I will never forget, a phone call that will haunt me for the rest of my life, a phone call that I pray to God I never have to get again! My sweet lil innocent Zak that I tried to mold into this wonderful young Man since he was 3 years old was gone! Oh if only I could change the way this family worked, if only I could take back all the hurt that my husband had gone though his entire life, if only I could have kept Zak with me a few more days, if only I could hug him one more time, if only I could see his big brown eyes light up when he opened his Christmas presents! If only I could hear his sweet lil 3 year old voice say "I love you Ashley Marie Bob" with his snorty lil laugh afterwards. When we pulled up into the drive way, a driveway that we had not pulled into in 2 years, I felt my stomach turn to knots! There was a part of me that thought the whole time we were driving over there that maybe, just maybe this was all a misunderstanding! As I walked over to his mother, whom I had not seen or spoke to in 2 years I lost my knot in my throat and I just let go and cried. Though this woman brought me and my family more heart ache and pain than anyone will ever know I did nothing but hug her! At that very moment I prayed for God to give me strength to be the Christian person I needed to be to get me and this family though this! The next thing I heard was "mam, we have to take him with us." at that very moment my knees buckled, oh God, they haven't got him out of the house yet!!! Then the man who I have watched grow into a wonderful Christian man kneeled down and with a shaky voice and tears rolling down his face he did what any man of the family would do he took charge, "he said mom, they have to take him." and then he cupped his hands to his face and cried more tears than I have ever seen him cry! As they went into the house I thought to myself "maybe he will wake up and say this is all I wanted, I just wanted my family together! But then the next thing I remember is his mom saying "please don't leave him, he's scared of the dark, please dont take him from me." at that moment I knew it was real! The coroners van was really going to drive off with him and the little boy whom I cared for like my own would be GONE!! The next few hours were a bit of a blur, All I could do was sit on the porch with his mom and cry, The wind was so cold and it was such an unfamiliar feeling since we hadnt talked in 2 years. There is such turmoil in the family but at this moment none of that mattered! Chad was in another world standing in the yard not wanting to even go near the house. When the time was best we needed to leave to go get the girls. The next horrific knot in my throat formed when I realized I was going to have to tell my then 7 year old daughter that her cousin Zak was gone. How would I explain that? how can my lil girl who thought Zak hung the moon ever understand what he did and why he did it?! There are no words to explain what we were about to face! We sat down at the dinner table though none of us were going to eat, We asked Peyton if she remembered how Jesus saved her that night in revival? We asked her if she knew what it meant to die? We then told her that Zak whom she had not seen in 2 years and was already confused about that was gone foerver and would not be coming back. I will never forget her face, her tears, the sound of her sobbing, or the way that our innocent lil girl curled up into her daddy's lap as they both wept. Since Peyton had never been to a funeral before she had no idea what to expect, so over the next couple days leading up to the funeral we tried to explain to her what to expect so she would not be lost when we got there. She was still not prepared for what she was going to encounter. When she was finally ready to walk up to the casket and see Zak for the first time she immediately said "OH No mom, Zak would not be happy if he knew they put makeup on him" of course that was just what we all needed was a little bit of a smile at such a hard time! Peyton decided not to stay the entire funeral so she left with my friend Deanna for some much needed time away. over the next few hours I sat and stared at the casket I would occasionally go up and stand near the cakset. Zak was known best for his smile and his big brown eyes. Ever since he was a little boy he could always melt my heart with those big eyes. I will never forget the many nights he would curl up in my lap as a little boy and cuddle with me as I read him a book or we watched rugrats. I was a senior high school when I took on the reponsibility of watching and helping to care for him and Niki. I didnt really understand then what it really meant to be a parent because I was to young I just knew that they came into my life and I loved them as if they were mine. I know in my heart that Zakry knew how much he meant to me. Was he hurting yes, I am sure he was nobody truly knows what all those kids went through in their life. Even though we had not had a good connection over the last two years it wasnt because of the kids, it was for family issues that have been a vicious cycle brewing for years and years. I just had zero legal ability to get them out the situation they were in, there was simply nothing I could, so we just prayed for God to comfort them. And I believe he did and still is. I am just going to be honest with you and say sometimes there is not enough medicine in the world to stop all the tears. Though I have learned a lot over the last year and Chad and I have grown a lot over the year and a lot of things that he questioned for years and years he has gotten answers too but it all still hurts. I had NO idea it would be so hard to live this same date a year later. I had no idea that even though this has been a life changing event in our family that I would still not really know how to react to it. I still don't have answers I still have people and things from the past that come to us in various ways to inform us of things that we once again can not control, We have not spoke to any of the family since about a month after Zak's funeral and even though we have received letters in the mail, some that I would not even let Chad read for fear it would set him back and allow him to ponder on things from the past. We chose as a family not to have contact or to respond to anything that they sent it was in our best interest and our childrens best interest. One year later though I think the hardest part is not having any place for me to go and sit and see his tombstone and reflect back on the past. I want to be able to put flowers or skateboards or anything like that on his grave site. But I have no where to do that Zaks ashes are sitting on his mother mantel in her living room. One year later I still ask why? and what if? My main guilt is knowing that Peyton never got to truly tell Zak she loved him or talk to him before he left this earth. Beacuse of the turmoil and hurt in this family these kids were cheated of their time together, time that they will never get back and time for that reason I hurt the most. I know that my lil girl now almost 9 talks about Zak daily and still asks a lot of questions and truth be known has the same features of Zak. I see Zak in her everyday. I just pray that after this year things will continue to move forward and her heart, my heart and chad's heart will continue to heal.

The memories will live on forever!

While digging through my building last night making sure I had all the Christmas presents out that I had hid over the year I came across a box full of old pictures, letters that I have kept from years past. When I started going through them I realized that there were a lot of old pictures, and art projects of Zaks from when he was little. But this first picture I found melted my heart more than anything else I found. I can remember sitting on the porch this very day in the hot son of Mid July when Zak asked "Chaddy" if he would shave his hair off.... Chad went in got the clippers and they proceeded to shaving Zak's hair. Chad got all of it trimmed off and left just a mohawk and Zak was soooo excited he thought he was super cool for having a mohawk and you can tell by his little smile on his face that it made his day. Unfortunately Chad did not let him keep it cause it wasn't as popular then as it is now and well Chad was just not all for letting his 5 year old "lil brother" run around with a mohawk lol!! But I can remember how for just a few mintues he ran around the yard with out a shirt on or with out shoes on, on this hot day and was actually like a muscle man with his new mohawk cut...He always knew how to melt my heart with that sweet little smile and laugh and those big brown eyes!!




Then I found this.....This almost brought me to my knees...Zak had made a fathers day card for Chad that had his foot print on it from when he was in Kindergarten. Chad was the only male father figure that Zak had in his life and when I found this I had a little peace in knowing that Zak knew how much he was loved by his Chaddy! Even though because of family issues they were not always together I know in my heart Zak knew that our love for him was uncondtional! I am just so very thankful that I have all these pictures and all these crafts from Zak's child hood that I keep finding that are just small reminders that we were his family and it gives me a little bit of comfort each time!

I will never forget

Sometimes when I am just simply driving down the road I start to think about the "what if's" I know I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. Sometimes it feels as if I am going to stop breathing and just fall apart, at times I feel as if my heart could stop beating. One minute I am fine and the next minute I am once again faced with the tradgedy that we have gone through. I know why we had to do the things we did the last two years for our family but I do NOT understand how people can be so mentally out there and not at least at one point in their life see that there is a problem. I always said since the first day that Zak and Niki stole my heart that they could do anything in the life they wanted to do all they had to do is work at it. I was always heart broken for the lonliness I knew they felt even when they were 3 and 5 yrs old and didnt really understand their whole life situation. I will never forget the time Zak came home from Kindgarten and said that another boy asked him who is dad was and Zak's response was "Jesus" my heart melted right then because that was the only father he was told about....He knew who God was and he knew how to pray and he knew what it meant to be saved and even as a 6 year old he knew who his real father was. He was so much like Chad it was scary. Ill never forget when I was a senior in High School I would drop him off and pick him up from daycare everyday and I will never forget how his eyes would light up when he saw me walk through the door. I will never forget the time Chad made me a birthday cake and he hid it in the closet until after dinner and when I went looking for Zakry he comes running out of the bedroom with chocolate all over his face I said "what have you been in to?" he said with a very serious face "nothing why?" LOL!! He was only about 4 years old and his big smile always melted my heart I could never stay mad at him when he grinned real big at me. I am starting to remember things now that I had forgotten about it. I am so glad I have a memory that is allowing me to remember his smile, laughter and his big heart. He was always trying to impress us but what he didnt understand is that we loved him just the way he was!

But when I remember all the good times I cant stop remembering the bad days as well. Chads family has always had family turmoil and because of this we found our self having to be separated from Chads mom which also meant not seeing Niki and Zak (which was the hardest thing I had ever done) I had rasied them as my own since I was 17 years old and not seeing or talking them broke my heart. The last time I had seen Zak was at the Catfish Festival Niki came right over to us and hugged us and talked to us but Zak was not about to open up to us and let us know he would have loved a hug! Instead he stood about 100 yards from us and just stared at us the whole time..My heart broke cause I knew if I had just hugged him he would have hugged me back but I let me emotions get the best of me and walked away so I wouldnt make him feel uncomfortable! I CAN NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT DAY!!! I can not stop hating myself for not walking over to him and hugging him so tight.... even if he would have pushed me away at least he would have known i cared enough to at least make an attempt to hug him! I know that deep down he knew how much my love for him was because while I was in his life for all those years I made it a point to tell him. Chad and I went without a LOT of stuff over the years to take care of him and Niki cause we knew we had to! We tried many times over the years to get help for Chad's mother but to no avail and so still to this day she is living this life empty and heart broken now more than she has ever been in her life and as much as I would like to go hug her and tell her we love her I know I cant, and only because I can not help someone who does not want help or who does not see they have a problem. My hands are just as much tied now as they were before, only know my sadness goes sooooo much deeper than it ever has! The hardest part for me is knowing we will never all be a family again, and I will never get the chance to hug him or even see his face again.

Missing my time spent with Zak!

The days don't get easier, to me they get harder. Harder for me to understand "why". I am now hating my dreams I see his face and it's the look that he gives me in my dreams that haunts me, he is so close to me reaching for me and shivering as if he is cold and wanting me to pull him up to safety! But when I reach for him he's to far away, just out of arms length. I hate the feeling of not being able to help, and that is the hardest part about all of this is that I feel I didn't do my part to help him. We weren't there and the kids life for the last 2 years because of family differences that have haunted the family for years and we don't see how we could live a normal life unless we pulled our self away from them. Looking back on it now I know we did what was best for our family and I know we are conituing to do the best thing for our kids and for us but the pain is still there. The hurt, the many questions of "why" and "what if" haunt me and will continue to haunt me. I have been praying for God to give everyone peace and I know we serve a powerful God so I just have to keep believing in him and serving him and he will keep providing for me!

Help Me, Help You!

I am overwhelmed with the urge to help people. I have always been overwhelmed with this emotion. I thought that once I got this job at Habitat (4 years ago) that it would stop that emotion, but it hasn't. I am thinking maybe its a sign, but then how will I know when I am put in the right situation to help the right people? I have been trampled on SOOOO many times by people who I open my doors, wallet and heart to just for them to turn around and use me! I don't judge them or hate them, and to be honest I would probably open it all up again if they came to me and needed it. Surely my big heart and my ideas of saving all the needy can be put to good use! I have prayed about this emotion for years but nothing yet has came to me. I know, I know, God isn't ready to tell me, but remember I am SOOO impaitent! I have thought that maybe I need a place to make this work maybe there is a need for people to come and just feel safe and be able to talk. I dont have to have anything to give them but my love and my wisdom of how God loves them. I could have some resources that could help them in whatever trials in their life they are facing...Does that make sense? Then I think, ok maybe there needs to be a place to women to come who are pregnant and alone and need HELP!! But would people come to just anyone? Would people come if they werent getting something for "free" I know that sounds awful but it is the sad truth!! But then again if they were in real need they would come no matter what!! See, my mind NEVER stops, I have wanted to build a "safe" house for years here on our lot at Habitat to help those people who are in need a of temoporary home but I cant convience anyone that it is a good idea. I guess I should rephrase that, they know its needed but legal issues always pop out, like who would watch the house to make sure it wasnt destroyed? What about insuring it? How long would you allow each family to stay there? AHHHHHH! I am losing my mind with all these ideas. Good thing I have a blog, and Its a good idea that you all already know I am crazy or you would be worried about me... :)

Time for a change!

Sometimes I just want to change things up a bit. Who knows maybe even start blogging again!! I wont promise that but I sure would like to make myself do it!! Stay Tuned you never know!