Sometimes when I am just simply driving down the road I start to think about the "what if's" I know I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. Sometimes it feels as if I am going to stop breathing and just fall apart, at times I feel as if my heart could stop beating. One minute I am fine and the next minute I am once again faced with the tradgedy that we have gone through. I know why we had to do the things we did the last two years for our family but I do NOT understand how people can be so mentally out there and not at least at one point in their life see that there is a problem. I always said since the first day that Zak and Niki stole my heart that they could do anything in the life they wanted to do all they had to do is work at it. I was always heart broken for the lonliness I knew they felt even when they were 3 and 5 yrs old and didnt really understand their whole life situation. I will never forget the time Zak came home from Kindgarten and said that another boy asked him who is dad was and Zak's response was "Jesus" my heart melted right then because that was the only father he was told about....He knew who God was and he knew how to pray and he knew what it meant to be saved and even as a 6 year old he knew who his real father was. He was so much like Chad it was scary. Ill never forget when I was a senior in High School I would drop him off and pick him up from daycare everyday and I will never forget how his eyes would light up when he saw me walk through the door. I will never forget the time Chad made me a birthday cake and he hid it in the closet until after dinner and when I went looking for Zakry he comes running out of the bedroom with chocolate all over his face I said "what have you been in to?" he said with a very serious face "nothing why?" LOL!! He was only about 4 years old and his big smile always melted my heart I could never stay mad at him when he grinned real big at me. I am starting to remember things now that I had forgotten about it. I am so glad I have a memory that is allowing me to remember his smile, laughter and his big heart. He was always trying to impress us but what he didnt understand is that we loved him just the way he was!
But when I remember all the good times I cant stop remembering the bad days as well. Chads family has always had family turmoil and because of this we found our self having to be separated from Chads mom which also meant not seeing Niki and Zak (which was the hardest thing I had ever done) I had rasied them as my own since I was 17 years old and not seeing or talking them broke my heart. The last time I had seen Zak was at the Catfish Festival Niki came right over to us and hugged us and talked to us but Zak was not about to open up to us and let us know he would have loved a hug! Instead he stood about 100 yards from us and just stared at us the whole time..My heart broke cause I knew if I had just hugged him he would have hugged me back but I let me emotions get the best of me and walked away so I wouldnt make him feel uncomfortable! I CAN NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT DAY!!! I can not stop hating myself for not walking over to him and hugging him so tight.... even if he would have pushed me away at least he would have known i cared enough to at least make an attempt to hug him! I know that deep down he knew how much my love for him was because while I was in his life for all those years I made it a point to tell him. Chad and I went without a LOT of stuff over the years to take care of him and Niki cause we knew we had to! We tried many times over the years to get help for Chad's mother but to no avail and so still to this day she is living this life empty and heart broken now more than she has ever been in her life and as much as I would like to go hug her and tell her we love her I know I cant, and only because I can not help someone who does not want help or who does not see they have a problem. My hands are just as much tied now as they were before, only know my sadness goes sooooo much deeper than it ever has! The hardest part for me is knowing we will never all be a family again, and I will never get the chance to hug him or even see his face again.
Missing my time spent with Zak!
