Stone Age or Freedom?

I have been living now for 3 days with out my Iphone, I know that doesnt seem like a lot but if you truly know me then you know how big of a deal this is for me. When the Iphone 5 came out I was so excited with getting it ordered and getting it in my hands I couldnt wait, I was trying to figure out every way possible for me to sell my 4 and purchase the 5. But then things changed actually that DAY, I wont go in to details about what it was but I will say my eyes were opened up to the "what if's" in life. I realized in a matter of hours that at any point in my life I could be left with NOTHING!! All the things that I am addicted to now, the Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, laptop, cell phones etc they could all be gone due to different reasons. My main thought was look at all the things I have sitting around me, I have everything I need and I am constantly wanting more, not because I am greedy but because I am apart of society,I am a part of a world who is constantly wanting!! We are spending a lot of money each month just to keep up with people on facebook, twitter, and emails. When in reality I can just log onto my lap top and check it when I am sitting down instead of every second. I have felt freedom these last few days. I do not wake up and check facebook, I do not sit with my phone in hand and I do not search in desperation for my phone when I can not find it. I have talked to the kids more and set outside without being distracted and I have not worried about what everybody else was doing in the world. I still have the ability to text on my new phone but I do not have internet access on the phone so that is a plus. I encourage everyone to at least try to go a week without their Iphones and see if it allows you to feel free or isolated :) Good DAY!

Reliving the Past

September 5, 2012 One year ago this very day I had not a worry in the world. We had just gotten back from a great mini vacation and visited with my dad and sis. We got home got settled in for our back to work routine. I can remember it being so nice outside that we had all the doors and windows up so that we could feel the breeze blow through the house. A slight feelIng of fall, which made me excited! We had a roast cooking in the oven with carrots and potatoes. I can still smell it!!! Football was playing on the tv of course it was just preseason games but it made me happy non the less! Then we got the call! A phone call that I will never forget, a phone call that will haunt me for the rest of my life, a phone call that I pray to God I never have to get again! My sweet lil innocent Zak that I tried to mold into this wonderful young Man since he was 3 years old was gone! Oh if only I could change the way this family worked, if only I could take back all the hurt that my husband had gone though his entire life, if only I could have kept Zak with me a few more days, if only I could hug him one more time, if only I could see his big brown eyes light up when he opened his Christmas presents! If only I could hear his sweet lil 3 year old voice say "I love you Ashley Marie Bob" with his snorty lil laugh afterwards. When we pulled up into the drive way, a driveway that we had not pulled into in 2 years, I felt my stomach turn to knots! There was a part of me that thought the whole time we were driving over there that maybe, just maybe this was all a misunderstanding! As I walked over to his mother, whom I had not seen or spoke to in 2 years I lost my knot in my throat and I just let go and cried. Though this woman brought me and my family more heart ache and pain than anyone will ever know I did nothing but hug her! At that very moment I prayed for God to give me strength to be the Christian person I needed to be to get me and this family though this! The next thing I heard was "mam, we have to take him with us." at that very moment my knees buckled, oh God, they haven't got him out of the house yet!!! Then the man who I have watched grow into a wonderful Christian man kneeled down and with a shaky voice and tears rolling down his face he did what any man of the family would do he took charge, "he said mom, they have to take him." and then he cupped his hands to his face and cried more tears than I have ever seen him cry! As they went into the house I thought to myself "maybe he will wake up and say this is all I wanted, I just wanted my family together! But then the next thing I remember is his mom saying "please don't leave him, he's scared of the dark, please dont take him from me." at that moment I knew it was real! The coroners van was really going to drive off with him and the little boy whom I cared for like my own would be GONE!! The next few hours were a bit of a blur, All I could do was sit on the porch with his mom and cry, The wind was so cold and it was such an unfamiliar feeling since we hadnt talked in 2 years. There is such turmoil in the family but at this moment none of that mattered! Chad was in another world standing in the yard not wanting to even go near the house. When the time was best we needed to leave to go get the girls. The next horrific knot in my throat formed when I realized I was going to have to tell my then 7 year old daughter that her cousin Zak was gone. How would I explain that? how can my lil girl who thought Zak hung the moon ever understand what he did and why he did it?! There are no words to explain what we were about to face! We sat down at the dinner table though none of us were going to eat, We asked Peyton if she remembered how Jesus saved her that night in revival? We asked her if she knew what it meant to die? We then told her that Zak whom she had not seen in 2 years and was already confused about that was gone foerver and would not be coming back. I will never forget her face, her tears, the sound of her sobbing, or the way that our innocent lil girl curled up into her daddy's lap as they both wept. Since Peyton had never been to a funeral before she had no idea what to expect, so over the next couple days leading up to the funeral we tried to explain to her what to expect so she would not be lost when we got there. She was still not prepared for what she was going to encounter. When she was finally ready to walk up to the casket and see Zak for the first time she immediately said "OH No mom, Zak would not be happy if he knew they put makeup on him" of course that was just what we all needed was a little bit of a smile at such a hard time! Peyton decided not to stay the entire funeral so she left with my friend Deanna for some much needed time away. over the next few hours I sat and stared at the casket I would occasionally go up and stand near the cakset. Zak was known best for his smile and his big brown eyes. Ever since he was a little boy he could always melt my heart with those big eyes. I will never forget the many nights he would curl up in my lap as a little boy and cuddle with me as I read him a book or we watched rugrats. I was a senior high school when I took on the reponsibility of watching and helping to care for him and Niki. I didnt really understand then what it really meant to be a parent because I was to young I just knew that they came into my life and I loved them as if they were mine. I know in my heart that Zakry knew how much he meant to me. Was he hurting yes, I am sure he was nobody truly knows what all those kids went through in their life. Even though we had not had a good connection over the last two years it wasnt because of the kids, it was for family issues that have been a vicious cycle brewing for years and years. I just had zero legal ability to get them out the situation they were in, there was simply nothing I could, so we just prayed for God to comfort them. And I believe he did and still is. I am just going to be honest with you and say sometimes there is not enough medicine in the world to stop all the tears. Though I have learned a lot over the last year and Chad and I have grown a lot over the year and a lot of things that he questioned for years and years he has gotten answers too but it all still hurts. I had NO idea it would be so hard to live this same date a year later. I had no idea that even though this has been a life changing event in our family that I would still not really know how to react to it. I still don't have answers I still have people and things from the past that come to us in various ways to inform us of things that we once again can not control, We have not spoke to any of the family since about a month after Zak's funeral and even though we have received letters in the mail, some that I would not even let Chad read for fear it would set him back and allow him to ponder on things from the past. We chose as a family not to have contact or to respond to anything that they sent it was in our best interest and our childrens best interest. One year later though I think the hardest part is not having any place for me to go and sit and see his tombstone and reflect back on the past. I want to be able to put flowers or skateboards or anything like that on his grave site. But I have no where to do that Zaks ashes are sitting on his mother mantel in her living room. One year later I still ask why? and what if? My main guilt is knowing that Peyton never got to truly tell Zak she loved him or talk to him before he left this earth. Beacuse of the turmoil and hurt in this family these kids were cheated of their time together, time that they will never get back and time for that reason I hurt the most. I know that my lil girl now almost 9 talks about Zak daily and still asks a lot of questions and truth be known has the same features of Zak. I see Zak in her everyday. I just pray that after this year things will continue to move forward and her heart, my heart and chad's heart will continue to heal.