THIS IS ME

So when do things get better???? I know that sometime I tend to be a bit over dramatic and I tend to let things bother me that I shouldn't but that is me.That is who I have always been and guess what that is who I will always be. I get depressed and sad over things that I truly can not change. I worry about things that are way out of my control. I know that God is the only one that can help me with these problems of mine but anymore I am just not so sure I know how to talk to him about my problems. I have gotten out of church and that plays a big role in how I feel but I just haven't found that one church that I feel that I fit in. I know with out a doubt that church is where my family needs to be. And I am ashamed to admit that I am letting the Devil into our life. The bad part is, is that I know this....You would think that I wouls try everything I could to fix this problem but to be honest with you I am SOOOO freakin tired of fixing all the problems...I yearn for something more in my life. I know that God has put me here for a reason and I have still yet to find the reason. I have anger inside me, I have saddness inside me, I have hurt inside, I have love inside me, I have so much inside me and sometimes more bad than good. That is not me, I am not a bad person and I don't care WHO thinks I am. I know that I mean well I know that I try to live each day to the fullest. I don't want to wake up in the morning regretting the night before. I want those days of pain and hurt and anger to be over I want MORE out of my life. Sometimes I just want to sell my house and all my stuff and start over somewhere else. And I am not talking about down the road. I want to go FAR AWAY. I want to run as fast as I can run and never look back.....You know what else is bad .....I am not sure if I even want to have another kid anymore. I am even losing that part of me.....What is wrong with me??? I love kids. I love having Peyton in my life she is my everything to me ....But I guess maybe I just want HER to be my everything, I don't want her to have to share me with anyone else. I hurt for Chad and his family. I hurt so bad for them sometimes I can only cry....I pray for him to not be so bitter and I pray that God will touch him and show him that he needs to use his God given talk to praise God....That is what he loves to do so I pray that God speaks to him and brings him back to what he needs to be doing.... So much has changed and We all Know that I do not like change. I hate crying all the way to work every morning. It makes the whole day horrible and I hate feeling that at any time of the day I will lose it again.

PLEASE PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!!

Hurt turns to ANGER

Ever since the daycare gave word that they were closing their doors I have been in another world. I have been so hurt and speechless. But this morning it just turned to ANGER.... I hate that now I have to drop Peyton off to an unfamiliar place and I have to leave her crying for me. I mean why should I have to see that and why should she feel so alone. It literally breaks my heart. I get into my car and just cry all the way to work. Peyton is 5 we should be over this stump, granted she is a bit of a drama queen but I know she just doesnt know how to react to such a different atmosphere. I know that Peyton is having fun with all day now but it still just makes me ill. Maybe if things were done differently then the old daycare would still be open. I am not here to point fingers I am just angry at the WHOLE thing. But I guess I just have to deal with it there is no going back now. But now I have to think about having another child and dealing with the same issues...

Oh well for now all I can do is make it through each day....Sounds like I am wishing my whole life away one day at a time.

Pictures from the SMITH Wedding

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the wedding. It was gorgeous and we were so glad that we got to be a part of their special day.

Conversations with a 4 year old

This week things have been a little hectic with all the changes in my daycare and trying to give Peyton a comfortable routine. My child has to have a routine or she is so fiesty. Last night she went to church with mom like she has been doing every Wednesday night. She feels like such a big girl there singing in the choir and of course she loves everyone there. And I enjoy here going there since I was raised in that church it is fun to see her get to do all that stuff I did. Well, last night I guess the little kids visited to nursing home. Let me just say my child was a little traumatized by this. She came home and we were talking about her day with her Nana and then church with her mammaw. She says to me "mom there was a grandma at the nursing home that didn't have any teeth" Now why she called her grandma I don't know, probably because she was an elderly lady and that is just the way Peyton thinks. I said to her "well Peyton that's ok." She turns around with big tears in her eyes and red faced like she had been thinking about this all night and says "Mom, I don't want to get old and not have any teeth." I felt so sorry for my child for a split second. One because she has shown that she is a worry wart about like her mother about stuff that she can not control. And two because she will probably never want to go into another nursing home again. But me being the sneaky little mother I am I turned it around on her and said, "Well I guess there is only one way around that Peyton, you have to brush your teeth twice a day." SHEEEWWWWW, good way for me to use that against her...lol... Well I hope that everyone has a good weekend. We will be celebrating Peyton's birthday saturday at the Mcdonalds in beaver dam. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we still look for a daycare. Also I hear that Jonnica Belcher has been sick keep her in your prayers as well. Hope you get some answers soon Jonnica, We will keep you in our prayers.

~Until Next Time~

DEALING WITH THE ISSUES OF BEING A PARENT

There are no words to describe how I still feel about the news I received about Peyton's daycare closing. I am so frustrated, hurt, sad, scared and everything in between. Peyton has been attending that daycare since she was 6 months old. That is all she knows and that is all I know. We have been there and stuck out all the changes of staff, price increases, rumors and everything else that has come up in the last 4 and a half years. I dont even know where to go from here. The thought of starting over with my child again and getting her familiar with a new place and new people scares the crap out of me. I mean I am the mother who hates to leave my child at MY mothers house. I was comfortable with her daycare, I knew them, I knew they should affection, and I knew that they taught my child A LOT of the years. When Peyton was two years old she was saying the abc's, 123's, pledge to the flag and to the Bible, and singing numerous nursery rhymes. They have all worked so well with her over the years and I could have never asked for a better group of teachers. Even though Chris had only been there for a short time you could see the changes that had already been made. They were great and they were even doing little portfolios with each child one and one. Talk about great learning skills.....I am just so heart broken I feel like I have lost my best friend.I went to take her this morning but like always I let my emotions get the best of me and took her on to work with me. Which also turned out not to be a good thing cause she ended up puking all over my office and has been puking since we got home....NICE MONDAY FOR ME HERE!!!
Chad made the comment to me that now the thought of having another baby is a lot more of a worry to him since we are without a daycare that we are use to now.Not that we need one anytime soon or anything but it just makes for yet another excuse to not have a baby. Oh well It's all in God's hands now...I need to keep thinking that cause I can quickly turn things around to make it sound like life is over and I know that some people have it so much worse off then I do. I am thankful for the time that God gave Peyton with all those wonderful teachers and with all her friends as well. Please just pray that something wonderful comes up soon so I can stop being a basket case..

~Until Next Time~

Congratulations Laymond and Heather Smith

Well this past week and weekend has been very eventful. On Thursday morning I woke up at 3:30 am pukin my guts out, Chad and I have been together for 8 years and I know that I have never gotten sick since we have been together. This was definetly something that I was not use to.. I woke back up at 6:00 and then again at 8:00 as well. Then off and all the entire day. I didnt even have the energy to get up out of the bed. It was so awful. I was able to work on friday which was a good thing but still felt pretty weak and blah feeling. Then Friday night was the rehersal dinner for the Heather and Laymond's wedding. It all went great. And of course since I hadnt really ate anything I loaded my plate down with barbeque, I ate about 2 bites and knew I needed to stop. Then we all decided to go to Bowling Green and bowl so Me Chad, Heather, Laymond and Bradley and another girl played a few games and then went to the karaoke/bar and Bradley was able to do a good show for us. We all had a few drinks and watched an old man sing and hit on us.....Of course that's just how things goes in those types of places. We got back to my house and last time I looked at the clock it said 3:40 am. Then the alarm clock went off at 6:30 am..... I just wanted to cry. And mean seriously what were we thinking??? So Heather and I got up and got going and headed to Beaver Dam to get the day started at the beauty salon with all the girls. Then off to the church to get pictures done (by the wonderful Julia Christopher photography) I can not wait to see them. I am sure they will be WONDERFUL!! They had a very very beautiful wedding. Chad sang three songs and bless his heart he was nervous as ever but he did a great job ...like always. They had a wonderful fun filled reception afterwards. The whole thing was just BEAUTIFUL and to know that my best friends whom love each other so much and have been waiting for such a wonderful day for so many years know it brings happiness to my heart. And we were all honored to share that special day with them. Today I have laid around the house all day. I went to the grocery and that is it. But after all my excitment it was much needed rest.

I will post pictures soon so check back with me... I hope that everyone had a wonderful weekend..

I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR

My beautiful baby girl .....

THANKFUL

I got a call Thursday afternoon from my sister telling me that my dad's stress test had come back bad and they thought there was more blockage in his heart and possible some kidney problems. She seemed to be pretty worried neither of us had a good feeling about all of it. I called Robbie to update him and he was actually concerned to. He thought it would be good for us to go up there and see what was actually going on. So I left work and headed to get packed didnt really know how long I would be gone or anything so just packed for what ever could happen. I left Peyton at home for the first time EVER I have never gone anywhere without her. I have gone places with Chad but just for a night out to a movie but I have never left her over night anywhere. I know I am crazy... She was really upset and crying the whole time I was packing. She said she needed to see popsy also. I didnt mind taking her but I knew I would be sitting at the hospital the whole time. So she stayed home with Chad one night then with my mom. I didnt tell me Dad we were coming only my sister knew. My brother is not one to just get in the car and drive and really actually hates the drive to Ashland in the last 5 years he has probably been there 3 times. So for him to be willing to go I knew he was concerned. Plus he wanted to read my dads medical charts himself...LOL!! We got in about 11:00pm on Thursday we went on down to the hospital and snuck into his room. He saw me and said "What are you doing here?" Then he saw Robbie and said "oh hell I must be dying for you both to be here." LOL!! He always has something smart to say. We had the talk with my dad about DNR's, funerals, cremations all that jazz. Something I never want to have to discuss again. It is all good to know but I didnt want to have to hear it. Dad had gotten really emotional about everything with Krista before we got there and said he thought his days were numbered.... He was very upset and crying and trust me dad is not that type of man...He will not tell anyone about any emotions unless he is mad then we all know about it.... LOL!! Dad went in for another Heart cath and everything came back good on that end. They think that it may have to do with something in his stomach or his kidneys so they are still running test on him today and tomorrow. They sent him home with insilin shots now. His sugar has been thru the roof ... like 380. Blood pressure crazy, cholesterol out of whack to. But at least he is still here. I have really been thinking a lot here lately about my parents and I know that sooner or later we all die but I am not ready for that time. I am never gonna be ready for that day and I will never be willing to accept the fact that my dad wants to be cremated... I know that the body just lies in the casket anyway but the thought of my daddy being burned is way to much for me to take in. Not only that but then we would have to split his ashes between us and I would be the one that ended up with his ass...LOL!!! Just kidding...We had a lot to talk and joke about that night but when all was said and done I am very thankful that my daddy was able to come home from the hospital despite all his health problems and stuff from the past. I love him and my mother very very much and I know that I will have many more years with them both. Here are a few pictures from the trip to see him. As you can tell I am a bit of a daddy's girl.... I LOVE YOU DADDY !! My sister told my dad that he couldnt smile in the hospital so that explains the second picture..... LOL He is a nut I swear .

Tristan Turns 2

Saturday was Tristan's 2nd Birthday party. He had a great time celebrating with all his friends and family. He love Diego so of course that was the theme of his party. He ripped through his gifts and loved EVERY gift. He is getting so big so fast. He wont know what to do when he gets his little brother here to play with. They are going to be best friends. I love Tristan so much and I am so glad that he is such the perfect little boy. I wish I could celebrate all my nieces and nephews birthdays with them it brings me such joy to see have so much fun...
I LOVE YOU TRISTAN THOMAS MCCLINTOCK