I am still searching inside myself for all the answers! This weekend was a bit over whelming for me. I am not even sure why becasue it was a great weekend, but I found myself pushing God away all weekend. Isn't it funny because I spent all weekend in a church. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more. I often wonder if I am praying the correct way? Is there a wrong or right way to pray? I want so much to be a part of something but yet I can not quiet make myself join..Does that make sense? I have unfortunately suffered with depression since I was probably 15 years old. I find it a bit stupid (for lack of better words) because REALLY what do I have to be so darn depressed about? But I get in these ruts where one day I am great and the next day all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I wonder why it affets me like this? I wonder why I have to suffer with this? I have healthy beautiful kids a great husband whom I might add God has blessed beyond words. A WONDERFUL job and most importantly I know I have GOd in my heart. But yet I still struggle with happiness....I don't want to anymore, I do not want this to be passed on through my girls cause I definetly never want them to have to feel this way.
Some days my girls face is the ONLY thing that keeps me going and not laying back down in the bed and crying all day...
On the outside I am a seemingly normal happy person but on the inside I have sooo many unanswered questions about life, God, family, and I think that is what brings me down some days. I told Chad yesterday that I want to be ableto understand the Bible better. If I am called to help people then maybe my calling is bringing people to the Lord? But shouldn't that be what we ALL do. I need a friend to do this with. I need somebody that I can ask questions to and get the right answers and scripture to back it up. What I wouldn't give for someone to care enough to come to my house and sit with me and explain. I can not learn the Bible like I need to in a class room setting.
I know today is going to be a better day which means this week will be great as well. I have had a GREAT morning do far.
I just often need to get on here and ramble so for those of you just now reading don't get scared away....I just often feel confused....lol :)
3 comments:
I completely get what you are saying!! Sometimes I dont think I know enough about the bible and its so hard to find answers and find them in away that I understand! But just remember you are NOT alone! Love ya girl!!
Thanks Casey! Its always good to know that I am crazy..lol..luv ya too!
Ashley,
I suffer from depression and it has many taken control of my life and I get to thinking if I just had more belief then I wouldn't get this low. It has taken me along time to realize that it is my belief that keeps me alive and it seems when I get closer to God the devil pulls as hard as he can on me.I get to thinking that noone cares enough to ever make it to my house or call, I think I might lose my boys again I get scared that Christian wont ever get to come home but that is the devil for sure. You offered to visit and I never even commented back. I would love to c u by the way, I live 3miles past rockfield elem. But my fears paralize me at times, like I dont go to church since Marvin had been gone because I am afraid to take 3 kids. They have childrens church but I have never taken them and doing things for the first time freaks me out. Its no way to live and I hate it but I was just trying to say I know about depression. Bless you ashley you have really helped me c things in a different light since we started talking.
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