The memories will live on forever!

While digging through my building last night making sure I had all the Christmas presents out that I had hid over the year I came across a box full of old pictures, letters that I have kept from years past. When I started going through them I realized that there were a lot of old pictures, and art projects of Zaks from when he was little. But this first picture I found melted my heart more than anything else I found. I can remember sitting on the porch this very day in the hot son of Mid July when Zak asked "Chaddy" if he would shave his hair off.... Chad went in got the clippers and they proceeded to shaving Zak's hair. Chad got all of it trimmed off and left just a mohawk and Zak was soooo excited he thought he was super cool for having a mohawk and you can tell by his little smile on his face that it made his day. Unfortunately Chad did not let him keep it cause it wasn't as popular then as it is now and well Chad was just not all for letting his 5 year old "lil brother" run around with a mohawk lol!! But I can remember how for just a few mintues he ran around the yard with out a shirt on or with out shoes on, on this hot day and was actually like a muscle man with his new mohawk cut...He always knew how to melt my heart with that sweet little smile and laugh and those big brown eyes!!




Then I found this.....This almost brought me to my knees...Zak had made a fathers day card for Chad that had his foot print on it from when he was in Kindergarten. Chad was the only male father figure that Zak had in his life and when I found this I had a little peace in knowing that Zak knew how much he was loved by his Chaddy! Even though because of family issues they were not always together I know in my heart Zak knew that our love for him was uncondtional! I am just so very thankful that I have all these pictures and all these crafts from Zak's child hood that I keep finding that are just small reminders that we were his family and it gives me a little bit of comfort each time!

I will never forget

Sometimes when I am just simply driving down the road I start to think about the "what if's" I know I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. Sometimes it feels as if I am going to stop breathing and just fall apart, at times I feel as if my heart could stop beating. One minute I am fine and the next minute I am once again faced with the tradgedy that we have gone through. I know why we had to do the things we did the last two years for our family but I do NOT understand how people can be so mentally out there and not at least at one point in their life see that there is a problem. I always said since the first day that Zak and Niki stole my heart that they could do anything in the life they wanted to do all they had to do is work at it. I was always heart broken for the lonliness I knew they felt even when they were 3 and 5 yrs old and didnt really understand their whole life situation. I will never forget the time Zak came home from Kindgarten and said that another boy asked him who is dad was and Zak's response was "Jesus" my heart melted right then because that was the only father he was told about....He knew who God was and he knew how to pray and he knew what it meant to be saved and even as a 6 year old he knew who his real father was. He was so much like Chad it was scary. Ill never forget when I was a senior in High School I would drop him off and pick him up from daycare everyday and I will never forget how his eyes would light up when he saw me walk through the door. I will never forget the time Chad made me a birthday cake and he hid it in the closet until after dinner and when I went looking for Zakry he comes running out of the bedroom with chocolate all over his face I said "what have you been in to?" he said with a very serious face "nothing why?" LOL!! He was only about 4 years old and his big smile always melted my heart I could never stay mad at him when he grinned real big at me. I am starting to remember things now that I had forgotten about it. I am so glad I have a memory that is allowing me to remember his smile, laughter and his big heart. He was always trying to impress us but what he didnt understand is that we loved him just the way he was!

But when I remember all the good times I cant stop remembering the bad days as well. Chads family has always had family turmoil and because of this we found our self having to be separated from Chads mom which also meant not seeing Niki and Zak (which was the hardest thing I had ever done) I had rasied them as my own since I was 17 years old and not seeing or talking them broke my heart. The last time I had seen Zak was at the Catfish Festival Niki came right over to us and hugged us and talked to us but Zak was not about to open up to us and let us know he would have loved a hug! Instead he stood about 100 yards from us and just stared at us the whole time..My heart broke cause I knew if I had just hugged him he would have hugged me back but I let me emotions get the best of me and walked away so I wouldnt make him feel uncomfortable! I CAN NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT DAY!!! I can not stop hating myself for not walking over to him and hugging him so tight.... even if he would have pushed me away at least he would have known i cared enough to at least make an attempt to hug him! I know that deep down he knew how much my love for him was because while I was in his life for all those years I made it a point to tell him. Chad and I went without a LOT of stuff over the years to take care of him and Niki cause we knew we had to! We tried many times over the years to get help for Chad's mother but to no avail and so still to this day she is living this life empty and heart broken now more than she has ever been in her life and as much as I would like to go hug her and tell her we love her I know I cant, and only because I can not help someone who does not want help or who does not see they have a problem. My hands are just as much tied now as they were before, only know my sadness goes sooooo much deeper than it ever has! The hardest part for me is knowing we will never all be a family again, and I will never get the chance to hug him or even see his face again.

Missing my time spent with Zak!

The days don't get easier, to me they get harder. Harder for me to understand "why". I am now hating my dreams I see his face and it's the look that he gives me in my dreams that haunts me, he is so close to me reaching for me and shivering as if he is cold and wanting me to pull him up to safety! But when I reach for him he's to far away, just out of arms length. I hate the feeling of not being able to help, and that is the hardest part about all of this is that I feel I didn't do my part to help him. We weren't there and the kids life for the last 2 years because of family differences that have haunted the family for years and we don't see how we could live a normal life unless we pulled our self away from them. Looking back on it now I know we did what was best for our family and I know we are conituing to do the best thing for our kids and for us but the pain is still there. The hurt, the many questions of "why" and "what if" haunt me and will continue to haunt me. I have been praying for God to give everyone peace and I know we serve a powerful God so I just have to keep believing in him and serving him and he will keep providing for me!

Help Me, Help You!

I am overwhelmed with the urge to help people. I have always been overwhelmed with this emotion. I thought that once I got this job at Habitat (4 years ago) that it would stop that emotion, but it hasn't. I am thinking maybe its a sign, but then how will I know when I am put in the right situation to help the right people? I have been trampled on SOOOO many times by people who I open my doors, wallet and heart to just for them to turn around and use me! I don't judge them or hate them, and to be honest I would probably open it all up again if they came to me and needed it. Surely my big heart and my ideas of saving all the needy can be put to good use! I have prayed about this emotion for years but nothing yet has came to me. I know, I know, God isn't ready to tell me, but remember I am SOOO impaitent! I have thought that maybe I need a place to make this work maybe there is a need for people to come and just feel safe and be able to talk. I dont have to have anything to give them but my love and my wisdom of how God loves them. I could have some resources that could help them in whatever trials in their life they are facing...Does that make sense? Then I think, ok maybe there needs to be a place to women to come who are pregnant and alone and need HELP!! But would people come to just anyone? Would people come if they werent getting something for "free" I know that sounds awful but it is the sad truth!! But then again if they were in real need they would come no matter what!! See, my mind NEVER stops, I have wanted to build a "safe" house for years here on our lot at Habitat to help those people who are in need a of temoporary home but I cant convience anyone that it is a good idea. I guess I should rephrase that, they know its needed but legal issues always pop out, like who would watch the house to make sure it wasnt destroyed? What about insuring it? How long would you allow each family to stay there? AHHHHHH! I am losing my mind with all these ideas. Good thing I have a blog, and Its a good idea that you all already know I am crazy or you would be worried about me... :)

Time for a change!

Sometimes I just want to change things up a bit. Who knows maybe even start blogging again!! I wont promise that but I sure would like to make myself do it!! Stay Tuned you never know!

Day 9

A Picture of my friends....

Yes I know I may never get to day 30 but I am still trying I promise, blogging is something you want to do and some days I just don't feel like doing it...lol...




This is a few of my friends from our annual Christmas party, what a great bunch of girls they are ..love them all dearly!

Day 8

A place I have traveled to.....



Instead of the traditional vacation spot you probably thought I would post on here I decided to do something different....I was going through the pics on my pc and I cam across this one....to some people it may not be that big of a deal but to me it's the most powerful photo I have ever taken, I have traveled to that very alter on numerous occasions, not because I am a bad person but because I am a human. I make mistakes so I ask for forgiveness, my heart is hurting because my marriage has not always been perfect like it is now and I have asked God for help to put it back together, I seek guidance at that alter God, lays his hands upon me and slowly picks me up and all then I know I will be ok.... I have traveled to this very place time and time again....It is the one place I am more proud of than any other place!!